This Doesn’t Happen to People Like Us

I didn’t realize I was in an unsafe marriage until I sought out legal counsel for a divorce. All I was consciously aware of was that my husband wasn’t happy and that I was the cause of it. Within 5 minutes of meeting w/an attorney and paralegal, they stopped the conversation and handed me a business card.

“I’d like you to talk to T, a counselor with experience in domestic violence, before we go any further.”

“I don’t need a domestic violence counselor, I need a divorce.”

“Yes, this is just part of the homework we need you to complete before our next appointment.”

So I met with T and having been forewarned that I was clueless (as so many abused women are*), she gently offered to read a list of signs of an abusive relationship. There were 20 questions, and she said that if I could answer yes to just one of these, it might be possible that I was in a domestic violence situation.

I smiled, eager to check this off my list and get on with the paperwork. As she read though the list, I nodded and laughed in agreement, many times finishing her sentences. She suddenly stopped and said, “Do you realize that we are only half-way through the list and you have answered yes to every one of these?”

My heart stopped and for a moment I couldn’t breath.

Until that instant, I never consciously knew.

I started to cry and couldn’t stop. I was flooded with pain, shame and fear that I had hid far away, deep down inside, so deep that it had been hidden, even from me. I had never shown that kind of emotion in front of a stranger. But it was okay, because now my problem had a name. I was a victim. And now I would be a survivor.

Traits of an Abused Woman, from “Not to People Like Us”: Hidden Abuse in Upscale Marriages:

• You had Cinderella-type beliefs about love and marriage.
• You felt a power imbalance but more sure of yourself –”raised a rung”–when you were with him.
• He made you feel intimidated or inferior.
• It felt like magic being with him; you were “transported,” swept off your feet.
• You were impressed by his charisma and personality style.
• You were impressed with his socioeconomic standing and money.
• You were impressed with his prestige and power.
• He pursued you.
• There was little or no history of abuse in your family of origin or previous relationships.
• You had money concerns or came from a lower-income family.
• He rushed you into making a commitment.
• You idealized him.
• For some he was their first sexual encounter.
• You were susceptible because you were going through a major life event or change prior to meeting him.
• You were susceptible because you were lonely and alone prior to meeting him.
• You ignored or justified the early warning signs that he would be capable of abuse.
*Victims of abuse have a high tolerance for cognitive dissonance as they work so hard to keep the truth from others and also themselves.